I do a very good job to seem as though my life is absolutely flawless. On the outside, this is how it seems. or does it? I saw a recent photograph of myself. I thought I looked phony, odd and quite peculiar. Who is that girl starring back at me, I wondered? Is that ME looking so cold and worried? I realized it is no longer possible to hide my inside emotions which are starting to radiate upon my face for the world to see.
The phony smile often feels like a survival technique forced within my soul that enables me to get from the start of the day to the end. It’s a jungle out there.
In a recent business meeting I was told that I was unusually quiet. Quiet is generally not a word used to describe yours truly. For crying out loud, as a child my nickname was “mouth”! I find lately I am zoning out thinking about things at the very wrong time. Yup, shouldn’t be thinking about soccer when there is a report to be delivered to about a zillion people. Those thoughts are so darn distracting! Wrong, on so many levels especially when I have so much support surrounding me: husband, grandparents, nanny.
Still, despite all that I am blessed with, I feel the world on my shoulders all the time.
How will I be in two places at the same time tonight? Whose putting sunblock on the kids if I’m not home? Did I leave a note for the nanny about what to cook for dinner? Did the girls do their chores or are they floating off to a neighbors house to play? Did I enroll them in camp? Did I pay the bills? When will I go food shopping! Is there enough healthy food in the house? Did the girls brush their teeth? Who ate breakfast? Ugh, did I put money on their lunch account? Will I be able to leave work early so I can hit the soccer meeting? Will the train be late? Will the train break down? Will leaving work early piss off my boss? Crap! When will I go to the store to buy a fathers day gift for my Husband! Should I really drink coffee at 8 pm? Yes, no, yes, no. Got to get that report done. Need. Coffee. Now. Did I check their homework? Did I sign all the papers? Did I send in money for all the teacher gifts? Did I give a gift to the bus driver? Did I tip all the coaches? Did the girls mail out birthday cards to Grandma? Did I call my Nana on Tuesday like I’m supposed to? What damn day is it anyhow? Where do I need to be tomorrow? and the next day? God, I need to go on vacation. Did I put in for a vacation? God I need to go to costco I’m running low on toilet paper and paper towels. Forget the vacation. No time.
I am not a big phony. My face is real. I am human. I am a mother.